reaching out

i know it has been a while; there has been a lot of change since i went to disneyland. as in i moved across the country, moved again, "settled" in st. louis, started teaching, mom came to visit, license plates were stolen, and i'm starting to regret this decision. but that is where this email comes in: it is a cry for help to my "mentor" at Teach for America. enjoy.

9-17-07
Hi Abby.

First of all, thanks for the wonderful happy hour on Friday! It was
wonderful to get together with you and some of the other awesome CMs
and just chat. And your food was spectacular.

I am feeling the need to reach out because I feel myself hitting a
wall. I'm feeling like a failure and a terrible teacher for not
having the motivation to do the LTP. Though we are learning things
that are required by the district, I don't feel that here isn't any
flow to it or that I'm working towards anything in particular. I
think back to what my CMA, Cortney, would ask me: "Is it a skill,
mindset or knowledge that you are lacking?" To be honest, I feel like
it all three. I felt so much success this summer with my class in LA;
and I felt like a wonderful teacher. Now, when it's my job to make
these kids successful, I cannot seem to find the skills or knowledge
to teach them what they need to learn, and surrounded by negativity
and poor behavior from my students and other teachers, I am falling
into a negative mindset hole that I am try very hard to climb out of.
I KNOW deep down that my kids can learn and they can succeed, I just
don't feel as though I have the skills to help them reach our Big
Goals. I need help Abby; suggestions, training wheels, support, a
clue as to how to teach kids to increase their reading
comprehension--anything! I feel that all I'm doing is having them
fill in graphic organizers and telling them it is important and it
will help them. I WANT to make gains with them, I just need a push,
perhaps a shove, in order to do it. I need help, and without a mentor
teacher at my school, and a crowd of other CMs going through their own
emotional and motivational roller coasters, I am reaching out to you.

Can we meet? Talk? Plan? Help me! I want to want to go to work in the
morning and close the gap. I am feeling like a failure and a horrible
teacher at the moment, and it makes me want to give up and go home.
But I don't want to go give up! I want to be good at this and I want
to help these kids because I have seen how much they need it and how
some of them really want it. Please help Abby; help re-light the fire
that made me join this movement and ideas to help me out of this rut
feeling insufficient.

Specifically, I need help organizing my standards/objectives into
units and teaching writing/spelling/grammar/reading all at the same
time without overwhelming my babies. It seems like it takes twice as
long with these 6th graders to get or do anything I ask, so I also
need help with dealing with that. Can you help or know someone I can
talk to? I don't want to spin my wheels any longer.

Thanks for "listening" Abby. I look forward to hearing your thoughts
and suggestions.

Meghan